Every semester, I labor under the delusion that someday, eventually, I’ll not only catch up with work, I’ll even get ahead. Every semester, I chase my own tail, and every semester, I eventually realize (not a moment too soon) that “catching up” and “getting ahead” are illusions.
This week once again I find myself apologizing for taking longer than I’d planned (as always!) to grade student papers and comment on student drafts. Teaching for two different institutions is always a juggling act: while you’re catching up with one set of commitments, you’re falling behind with another. At this time of the semester, I often remember my mom once saying that being a mother means that no matter how hard you try to please your children, spouse, and other family members, someone is always displeased with you. Being a moonlighting adjunct feels a bit similar. No matter how much you scurry to keep on top of your to-do list, there’s always something else to do. Working too hard is never enough. And yet in the face of the Endless To-Do List, I still harbor the delusion that someday, eventually, I’ll be Caught Up.
This weekend I had a proverbial moment of clarity when I realized the mantra that always got me through my busy undergraduate and grad-school semesters–“Everything always gets done, eventually”–is incomplete. Yes, everything always gets done…but it never gets done a moment too soon. The illusion that keeps me frantically scurrying through a too-busy semester isn’t the hope of getting things done in the nick of time, as always seems to happen. The illusion that keeps me frantically scurrying through too-busy days is the vain hope that if I get things done faster, then I’ll have a moment’s respite. If I could not just finish my work but get ahead, then I could catch a breather.
It’s a vain hope: that’s what I realized this weekend. I always get everything done, eventually…but I never get it done a moment too soon. I’m always, perpetually, inevitably racing down to the wire, grading papers and prepping classes and basically showing up at my life at the last minute, feeling overdue and under-prepared. It’s not how I like to see myself, rushing in and looking flustered; if I had my druthers, I’d be caught up, on top of things, and in perfect control. Instead, the Universe seems to have a different idea, perversely refusing all my efforts to win the proverbial race with time.
Hoarded Ordinaries 
Oct 20, 2010 at 4:23 am
Good catch on that first photo, Lorianne! 🙂
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Oct 20, 2010 at 8:20 am
This is whack-a-mole dharma, all right: get something done, and oh look, there is something else.
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Oct 20, 2010 at 1:12 pm
I’m glad you like it, Ivy. I took a similar photo last year, so I knew to look for the same thing this year.
Algernon, “whack-mole Dharma” is it exactly! You sound like an experienced mole-whacker. 🙂
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Oct 20, 2010 at 1:27 pm
The most frustrating thing for me, as an undergraduate student, is knowing that I actually could get done everything I’m supposed to with time to spare.
Unlike professors who must deal with an endless load of work, I would be able to meet my obligations in advance if only I budgeted my time well.
Like most college students, though, I’ve turned procrastination into a lifestyle.
I like your mantra.
It sort of reminds me what of I say to myself when midterm or final exams seem overwhelming: “No matter what happens, this time a week from now you’ll be done.”
The picture of the concrete leaf impression is so beautiful, by the way.
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Oct 20, 2010 at 1:39 pm
I like this post, and hear what you’re saying about teaching and grading. If I wasn’t working at all and a friend asked me to teach a class on, say, Huck Finn five months from now I could obsess about Huck Finn for five months and get up early that morning wondering what the plan for the day would be. But if someone told me that they needed me to teach a class on Huck Finn tonight I could go in and do it. Teaching is a gas, not a solid, and expands and contracts to fit the available space.
Keep hoarding those ordinaries!
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Oct 21, 2010 at 10:03 am
BrightenedBoy, I should admit that I was a terrible procrastinator when I was in college, too…and that includes grad school as well! My first impulse is to procrastinate, and I could get away with that when I was younger. There wasn’t anything, I thought, I couldn’t accomplish in an all-nighter!
But these days, I just can’t swing those youthful all-nighters. Even if I can push my body to stay up late and/or get up early, my body eventually rebels. My body’s official opinion on procrastination is “I’m getting too old for that shit.” 🙂
Bill, I’m going to (mis)quote you out of context as saying “Teaching is a gas!” 🙂 But of course, you’re right about teaching-work expanding to fit any available moment, which is why teaching 8 classes isn’t hugely different from teaching 5 classes or 3 classes. Regardless of your course-load, the to-do lists never end.
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Oct 23, 2010 at 8:55 am
Having recently rejoined the professional work world, I’m still in a state of shock about the amount of work that I’m perpetually behind on. I’m playing catch-up all the time! And feeling like a failure when it comes to time management. My boss tells me I’m not ever going to feel caught up, and I think she may be right. It bothers me.
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Oct 27, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Your sentence: “If I could not just finish my work, but could get ahead, I could catch a breather.” sticks in mind. Reminds me that I should breath all along the way, not just after some finishing-up I think I’ll get to. 😉
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