Trees as tresses

Last Friday, I received my most recent Photojojo Photo Time Capsule, a twice-monthly email that automatically sends me a random assortment of photos from my Flickr photostream, all taken this time last year. My twice-monthly time capsule serves as an interesting reminder of where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and what I’ve repeated from year to year. There’s no clearer proof that you’re a creature of habit, for instance, than receiving an email containing photos you took last year but look like you could have taken them yesterday. The details change from year to year, but the basic story stays the same.

Signs and wonders

All the images in my most recent Photo Time Capsule were from a single set of photos I shot on a sunny Sunday morning last February on my way to the Cambridge Zen Center. Since I shoot the window mannequins at the Great Eastern Trading Company nearly every time I go to the Zen Center, I have countless shots of the same heads decorated with a changing assortment of hats, wigs, and masks: same o’, change o’. When I checked Flickr to see what photos I’d taken last February besides the same old images of the same old mannequins, I was startled to remember that this time last year, I took (or at least posted to Flickr) only eight photos: the seven photos in that set, and one of my favorite photos of Reggie, taken when he was still alive and alert, resting comfortably in a golden spot of sun with Crash the cat.

Proof that cats and dogs can get along

Seeing this fondly remembered picture of Reggie startled me for several reasons. First, in many ways it feels like Reggie has been gone a lifetime, so it seems strange to realize that this time last year, I was still coaxing an increasingly incapacitated dog through a regimented routine of food, water, medicine, and potty-breaks. (I can’t count the number of times during our recent snowstorms when I’ve thought quietly to myself, “Thank goodness I don’t have to navigate Reggie through this.”)

Masquer

More tellingly, though, when I look at that photo now, I recognize what it is: the picture of a dying dog. I knew when I took it that Reggie’s time was short: when I shot that picture, I remember thinking, “One day, this will remind me what Reggie was like when he was alive.” Remembering how emotionally exhausting it was to guide Reggie through his final months, I’m surprised to remember that this time last year, Reggie was still alive.

Faraway

Reggie’s decline was one thing I was facing last February, but the rest of “this time last year” was fuzzy…until I checked my blog archives. This time last year, I was teaching two classes at Keene State while wondering how much longer I could afford to continue teaching there part-time; this time last year, I was in the middle of a career crisis, wondering whether a PhD and nearly 20 years of college teaching experience had brought me at last to a dead end.

Studly

Remembering last February, I remember what a miserable time it was. I didn’t blog much in February, 2012 because I was juggling a busier-than-usual online term, but I didn’t blog much then, too, because it was such a dark and cheerless time. Looking back on this time last year, I remember how demoralized I was every time I drove to Keene to teach at an institution where it felt like the administration was closing up shop around me. This time last year, I kept a box of tissues in the car for the times I spent my commute weeping, knowing that just as Reggie’s days were numbered, so were my days at Keene State.

Still in the building

Looking back on this time last year, I’m grateful for many things. I’m grateful to be in a better place, literally: this year, I don’t have to worry about an increasingly incapacitated dog, and I don’t weep when I make my wonderfully brief commute to teach at a school where I don’t feel demoralized, devalued, or depressed. I’m grateful to be in a better place, emotionally: last year, I worried that my job turmoil would permanently transform me into a bitter, cynical person, but on all but the most tiring of days, I can honestly say I like my job, I like my students, and I generally like my life.

Afro-licious

Looking back on this time last year, I’m grateful to be here rather than there…but I’m also grateful to have been there. This time last year, I was doing the emotionally messy work of anticipatory grief, saying goodbye, gradually, to two things I loved. As painful as it might be to know you’re losing something, there’s something emotionally honest (and thus freeing) about facing the present moment, experiencing whatever emotions that moment evokes, and admitting the terrifying (but universally human) fact that you don’t know what comes next. Last February wasn’t a fun time, but it was a time when I made a conscious effort to be awake to my own life, weathering whatever tumultuous emotions arose and not numbing myself to a single second. As much as I wouldn’t want to relive this time last year, I wouldn’t want to erase it, either.

Although I’ve taken plenty of photos this year, the ones illustrating today’s blog post come from this time last year: images I originally blogged last March, grateful to have weathered the month of February.

In dire need of a fix-up

When it rains, it pours…and when it pours, it’s difficult to take pictures. This morning after a drenching dog-walk in which almost-freezing puddles pooled on last week’s ice and hard-packed snow, I reviewed last month’s photo folders to find something to post today. After I’d found some images from a sunnier day to share, I took a peek into my blog archives to see if I was suffering the “is it spring yet” blog-blahs this time last year, too.

Horse & Buggy Feeds

What I found was the “before” to the above “after“. It seems that roughly one year later, the abandoned paint and wallpaper shop in the above photo is still in need of a fix-up. I guess one way to avoid cleaning windows is to get rid of your windows entirely…or lacking motivation to do that, let bored vandals do it for you.

Any photo-blogger knows it’s wise to save up images for a rainy day, or week, or is-it-spring-yet season. Not knowing when life will get busy, the weather will turn, or you’ll fall prey to a Don’t Wanna Wednesday, you’d be wise to stock up on ideas and images in case of blog-emergency.

Horse & Buggy Feeds

Unfortunately, time is perishable: it can’t be stockpiled like canned soup or beans or other emergency rations. Looking back on that post from last March, I see the more things change, the more they stay the same. The dissertation and creativity coaching I mentioned then has fallen (intentionally) by the wayside: these days, I’m too busy teaching, blogging, and trying to have a life to spend much time cultivating the creativity of others. And yet, yesterday I received a brimming basket of peace lilies by way of thank-you from a PhD candidate I’d coached to completion: a reminder of success. Progress does indeed happen even (or especially) when you aren’t expecting it.

In that post from last March, it almost sounded like I was giving up blogging; instead, in retrospect I recognize I was looking to re-focus and re-define what I do here and how it fits into an active life. They say the unexamined life is not worth living, and I’d argue the opposite as well: the un-lived life is not worth examining. Before you can sit down to consider what your Ultimate Existence is all about, you have to stand up and get on with the business of living with its dog-walks, icy puddles, and broken windows. Progress does indeed happen even (or especially) when you aren’t expecting it, and roughly one year later after wondering aloud what I’m doing here, here I am still doing it. Whatever didn’t get fixed up last March, it seems, is doing okay this time around.