In less than an hour, I will leave my apartment to walk down foggy streets to the courthouse here in Keene for my date with Judge John P. Arnold. I will arrive early; I will meet somewhere in the hallway with my lawyer. And at 8:30 am, in the matter of Lorianne Schaub and Christopher Schaub, Judge Arnold will oversee a 10 minute Uncontested Divorce Hearing.
All this will occur today, October 26, exactly one week before what would have been Chris and my 13th anniversary, a timing (and numerology) whose irony I fully realize. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or sit down and sigh with relief.
I suspect that over the course of the day, I’ll do some semblance of all three, potentially (if possible) at the same time.
I’ve been nervously awaiting this court-date for months now, ever since Chris moved out at the beginning of August. On the one hand I’ve been looking forward to the closure I hope the official paperwork will bring; on the other, I’ve been on pins and needles fearing that some last minute snafu will derail the deal. Emotionally, I’m moving on past the divorce; on a practical level, our belongings and assets have been fairly divided and we each are moving on with our lives. But something as simple as a court-date and a slip of paper is the one last tie keeping everything “in process.”
Until 8:30 am today, when there will be nothing (legally) keeping either of us tied to any of that.
I’ve vowed not to cry at the hearing…but yesterday when I strolled past the courthouse, dog in tow, just to acclimate myself to the place where this all is going to happen, I admit I got misty-eyed. This is where it happens: this is where Lorianne Schaub will somehow legally–somehow magically–revert to being Lorianne DiSabato. Yes, over the next weeks and months I’ll be going through the paperwork hassle of changing my name, again: a symbolic new me, one who is (I hope) both older and wiser than the old me. I’m not the same person I was when I last was Lorianne DiSabato…but I’m certainly no longer who I was when I first became Lorianne Schaub, either.
In the end, I just want to be Lorianne: Lorianne who will be strong enough not to cry during a 10 minute hearing, and Lorianne who will have the courage to sit on the steps outside this very public courthouse and bawl her eyes out if that’s what she feels like. Either way, at the end of the day, I’ll be Lorianne, whoever that is. And at the end of the day, I trust that being Lorianne, simply Lorianne, will be enough for today and tomorrow and the future that unrolls from here.
Hoarded Ordinaries 
Oct 26, 2004 at 8:33 am
Gosh, no one would ever get divorced so early in the day in the UK – lawyers and court staff don’t work such long hours here! Seems a a good thing, though, as anticipation of something unpleasant is often the worst part.
I suppose the hearing will be over by the time you read this, Lorianne. In a way it’s beside the point, isn’t it, the divorce is something that has happened in your heart and this is just a symbol. But symbols, rites of passages are terribly important in enabling us to process, deal with things and in time move on. So I hope you experienced this and will be marking it in whatever way seems meaningful to you, and that the online announcement will help. It would be interesting if you were able to look back, in due course, and assess how – if at all – sharing this in your weblog has affected the experience of the past few months. For now, all best wishes and solidarity!
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Oct 26, 2004 at 9:52 am
Aii… One never knows whether to say Congratulations or So sorry, but just to note your rite of passage here. This kinda reminds me of the empty bowls I have on a couple of tables in my house – space for the new to enter.
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Oct 26, 2004 at 11:19 am
Just do what you need to do today Lorianne – there are no rules for today..just be true to yourself and know there are those of us out here in cyberspace thinking of you
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Oct 26, 2004 at 3:17 pm
Thanks for the words of support, Jean, Leslee, & Annette (women all: a coincidence?) The judge was *40 minutes late* due to car trouble, so I was too busy fretting that the hearing would be postponed or rescheduled to spend any time weeping. Afterward, I had just enough time to eat a *huge* breakfast (having been too nervous to eat anything beforehand) before zipping off to individual meetings with students on campus.
The divorce & name change are officially official…but I won’t get actual documentation ’til later, so there’s still nothing tangible as “proof.” But as I climbed the stairs to my office at school, I had a wondrously clear thought: “Dr. DiSabato fits me so much better than Dr. Schaub *ever* did!” So I’m hanging on that sensation of “the perfect fit”: “‘Dr. D’ is *me*!” 🙂
I suspect I’ll continue to use the blog as a kind of free self-therapy…or not, who knows? With the divorce as with the diss, it felt/feels good to know that there are folks out there checking in & “rooting” for me, and it feels good to be honest, to let down the “I can handle it” mask for a wee moment of “here’s how it *really* feels.”
So thanks again for the virtual moral support: some days it’s just good to know that someone would notice if you didn’t crawl out of bed. 😉
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Oct 26, 2004 at 6:00 pm
O Doctor of Saturday,
Warm hands on your back for a tough day.
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Oct 27, 2004 at 6:49 am
Hi -well, it’s done now. Phew. I’ve been in this position so I have, perhaps, a hint of some of what you’ve felt and are feeling. Glad there are people around to support you now and into the future. Life is Sukha-dukkha – the human condition is full of bitter-sweetness. Hugs from over the ocean, Sujatin.
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Oct 27, 2004 at 6:53 am
Glad, too, that you had the Pumpkin fun before yesterday – must have helped get through the weekend.
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Oct 27, 2004 at 7:08 am
There is an alone-ness about this process that no number of well-wishers and empathsizers can overcome. In the words of the old Negro spiritual, “you gotta walk that lonesome hiway, you gotta walk it by yourself.” But at the end of it, there are people who understand and care. That’s about the best we can hope for from our mortal comrades. Hope it is enough for you today.
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Oct 27, 2004 at 8:45 am
Potluck Post
This is what I do… I work in entertainment. I am a Stage Manager, a Production Coordinator, an Assistant Director. It is never easy and rarely steady, but it *is* my professional passion. I am exceedingly good at my job
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Oct 27, 2004 at 7:32 pm
Thanks, Mumun, for the virtual backrub. I’m doing well, actually, so it must be working! 🙂
Sujatin, I don’t know what (if any?) chants you practice in your tradition, but our “Homage to the Three Jewels” makes mention of “dae ja, dae bi,” which is translated as either “great love, great compassion” or “great love, great suffering.” Suffering *is* compassion: dukkha is sukkha. I’m learning that there are *many* folks who have been through what I’m going through, and they’ve survived & moved onto better things. And yes, it was great to have this weekend’s Pumpkin Fest as a happy distraction before the hearing.
Fred, thanks for the support. I’m realizing that “alone” and “together” are flipsides of the same coin: only you can walk that lonesome highway, but you’re never alone. This latter realization is providing more strength than I thought I ever had, and that’s very encouraging. Thanks for being one of the “virtual cheerleaders” standing on the side of that lonesome highway: let me know the next time I can return the compliment. 🙂
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Oct 30, 2004 at 2:32 am
Dear Dr. DiSabato:
Please forgive my absence during these long days of October. I see now that I have come ’round after the event has come to pass, yet surely you know that we’re all here with you during those tough times. My words are like empty bits of fluff these days, but if I had plenty, I’d surely be scattering them all over your space.
A new day is dawning. Dr. D has arrived.
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Oct 31, 2004 at 10:00 pm
Hi Lorianne,
My divorce was just about a year ago. I feel for you. Divorce is so hard and so strange and so amazing and so stupid and so sad and so freeing.
I’ve followed your writing and have come to care. I wish you clean resolution and many blessings.
michael
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Nov 1, 2004 at 6:48 pm
ntexas, good as always to hear from you. No need to apologize for your absence: I’ve fallen behind with my blog-reading, too, so I understand all that. Sometimes “real life” is all we can handle, so virtual contacts take a backseat. There’s no shame in that! 🙂
Tough times, good times…they’re all good. By that I mean it’s better to have tough times than no times at all.
Michael, my empathy & condolences on your divorce: dare I ask when/if it starts feeling “normal” again? 🙂 Your string of adjectives perfectly describes the messed-up emotional jumble that divorce evokes…I guess it’s kinda like life in that way.
Thanks again for the kind words. It’s heartening to know I’m not alone in all this.
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